stella by night

from dusk until dawn

Living the dream

So driving my ’84 meteor and working in a pizza bar isn’t really my idea of dream living but the hot summer days spent relaxing at the beach and going on spontaneous adventures make it all worth it. For some, beach living is all they’ve ever known for me it’s a novelty. I’d have to say, having the freedom to spend as much time doing what I want is lovely. Rising early to get my daily dose of vitamin D and equal amounts of refreshing salty ocean water is something I wouldn’t trade for anything else at this point in my life. After going through quite a roller coaster of events this year I’m using the next month or two as a chance to take a break from the hectic lifestyle I’ve been living, and yes I’m making the most of it while I can. I won’t be staying here forever, it’s just a little stop over while I find my feet and then once again plunge myself into a form of insanity. I’m pursuing my options of study for the new year in order to build something for my future years so I can one day say I am in fact “living the dream” or even better “my dream”. I do suppose every persons dream is different, I myself probably have way too many dreams for one lifetime but I quite enjoy the challenge of turning them into reality. Taking life easy has never been a desire of mine nor has it been what I’ve experienced, which sometimes worries me. Knowing that something even more challenging is probably going to present itself at any moment (especially when I’m least expecting it) makes me want to curl up in a ball and hide. But even with the suspense of future happenings and how impossible some things may seem, the immense pressure I’ve experienced has only given me more insight and knowledge into how to handle what happens next, after all I’ve always come out in one piece, just. So here’s to living the life you always dreamed of, take chances, no regrets.

PS. these are some amazing photos of places I one day want to be able to say I’ve visited.



Thought Bubble: A beautiful sunny afternoon

“It’s not how good you are, it’s how good you want to be.”

I like this, it’s quite a humbling thought. I mean we are all good at something right?.

I don’t know about you but I want to change and grow and explore and learn and create a world of excitement and adventure. To do the things that I love to do and probably some thing’s that I don’t love as well.

I’ve never been the kid who excelled academically, was a natural at sport or could make people laugh. I was very shy growing up and scared of what might happen if I were to try something new. But at the same time I had so much curiosity inside me. I wanted to take risks and live in a way that was unexpected and nobody could predict what I was going to do next. In fact that also includes me, I even surprise myself sometimes.

Part of stepping out of your comfort zone is not knowing where you might end up. It’s scary, believe me. As soon as I moved countries I suddenly stopped as thought “what the hell am I doing?!” But it was too late to turn back. So now I’m forced to adjust to living outside my comfort zone, at least until I get used to it.

Making such a huge change to my life didn’t come easily, but that burning questions of “what if?” Stirred up my curiosity and forced me to do something different. I don’t want to be “normal”, what is normal anyway? I want to ask questions about life, hard questions, silly questions, unnecessary  questions, questions out of curiosity. I don’t necessarily need the answers. Questions are the beginning of finding an answer but answers can’t exist without questions.

For me as a 20 year old I’ve gotten to the point where I can think for myself, make my own decisions and live how I want to live. I’ve asked a lot of questions and I’ve been given a lot of answers. Some stick with me, some don’t. There is a certain way that we are expected to live. Where I come from you go to school, decide what you want to be, you study, find a job and be the best at what you do. Everyone figures out their own way of doing things. I’m still trying to decide on what I want to do with my life. So in the grand scheme of things I’m a little behind. Most people just figure out what they’re good at and go from there But for me “it’s not how good you are, it’s how good you want to be.” This is the title of a book written by Paul Arden.

I want to live dangerously and take risks. I know I’ll fail more times then I will succeed but I will get back up, dust myself off and continue to strive for excellence rather then settling for mediocrity. I have dreams and aspirations, and at the moment they all seem impossible. But I know that in order to achieve the unachievable I need to aim beyond my capabilities. I’m scared about why I’m here in another country and what I’m doing but a I wise friend once told me one of the most important things to remember in life is to do it scared…

So here’s to life, and a life worth living.


PS. If you can't solve a problem it's because you're playing by the rules.


Stella tells all: A cold windy day


My current Facebook Profile Picture... funny part is it's not actually me...

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged, I’ve been super lazy but my life has been hectic, or should I say hictic, haha… So long story short, at the end of last year/start of this year due to a number of reasons (that I could explain but it might be getting a little personal) my life had been turned totally upside down. I was suffering from stress, anxiety, depression, I couldn’t sleep at night, I wasn’t eating properly, and I couldn’t even think straight. I was completely mentally, physically and spiritually EXHAUSTED, and that’s not a good thing after just recovering from three years of chronic fatigue syndrome.

I was so over the weekly breakdowns, I decided I wasn’t going to put up with it. I quit my job and bought a one way ticket to nz (hence my life being hictic instead of hectic) with no plan, no friends, and not a huge amount of money. I said my goodbyes and told everyone I was just going to nz for a two month break (but I didn’t really intend on coming back) I had nothing to hold me back but at the same time I had no idea what I was doing. I really did have nothing to live for but I couldn’t contain my extreme determination to experience my newfound perspective on life.

Usually when people move out of home for the first time it’s down the road or to a bigger city. But I thought why not change it up and move to another country? This was my first time overseas, 5th time on a plane and first time on a plane by myself. I was the first person in my family to go overseas, so I had absolutely no idea about travelling and neither did my parents. When I think about it now I realise how crazy this all sounded, well at least to a country girl from Toowoomba.

So here I am now living in Auckland, it was the best decision I have ever made. I’ve had the time to let my body recover, I sleep normally at night, I eat and at regular and normal times of the day. I can think straight and remember things and I’ve learnt how to deal with stress, anxiety and depression. I feel like a human being again, for the first time in 5 years and it’s AMAZING.

But in saying that it’s still hard, I miss my family and friends back in Australia so much, and although I’m meeting new people I do find it hard to make new friends because I’m quite shy to start off with. I’m in the process of finding a job and deciding what I want to do with my life. I really want to study but I can’t decide, there’s just so many things I want to do…

So anyway, here’s to a new start, my new start. We’ll see where I end up.

and don’t forget…

…This is an adventure.

PS. my current desktop picture, isn't he the cutest...

Todays the day: Wednesday 3rd November 2010

why can’t my life take care of itself?

so i can sit in the sun all day.

My mind is wandering,

away from this world.

just focus!

the music is so inviting

take my mind

away from this world.


just focus.

he’s coming tomorrow

white hair and pommy accent

to judge what i’ve done

thirsty merc tonight

my mind is adrift.


just focus

hello holly throsby!

you take my mind away

away from this world.

sweet tunes oh.

piss off spam

my alter ego speaks its mind

one more day

just focus

oh but i just don’t care

for your silly mind games

My life: Rory and his story

Rory and Regan 30th October 2010

I still remember the first time I met Rory, my family had just moved into a new house and he came to introduce himself. He lived across the street a few houses down, I wasn’t very good at meeting new people. I was shy but Rory was friendly, confident and not much phased him at the time. It was a while until I started to get to know him though but it didn’t take long for us to become great friends. I had always wanted a “best friend neighbour” it was fun but sadly we moved out a year later. This didn’t change our friendship though nothing really could. I know this story may seem irrelevant but this is the part that changed my life. At the start of this year Rory broke his leg which at the time was not hugely surprising as he was a bit accident prone. He’d fractured his thigh which led to the discovery of a tumour. I remember the first time my boyfriend, sister and I went to visit him in a Brisbane hospital. He looked completely different. I remember sitting there, listening to Regan playing his guitar, crying, I didn’t know what to do. He went through Chemotherapy which took its toll on his body. Rory is a fighter, always has been, but he had to have his leg amputated a few months into chemo. This was huge news obviously it would change his life forever and I can’t say I dealt with it well. This is the first time I’ve expressed how I feel because I tried not to think about it. I was in denial of this being a reality, and it was happening to one of my closest friends. I grew a little distant for a while, it was too hard for me to watch him go through this and I feel bad because I know he needed me. He finished Chemo a few weeks ago, and has been doing really well, he got his licence and I’m super proud of him. But the Doctors have given him 12 months to live with treatment. It’s hard to deal with news like this especially when its been such a hard time for him and his friends and family. I don’t want to regret any of the time I spend with him. I don’t want to be scared or look back and wish I’d done things differently. I want him to know how much I love him . Life is so precious and so are the people in it, don’t waste it, any of it. Don’t be scared to do the things you want to do, they can’t wait. I know its still hard for Rory and the people who care about him but we can only make the most of the life we have, as long as I’m here I intend to do just that. Live my life as I know how to live it.

To a life worth living

Everyone wants to do something with their life. Some more than others. But I’ve realised (with a little help from a great friend) at the age of 19, I don’t know what I want to do with my life. As an apprentice chef I don’t get much time to think (or sleep) and I’ve found that I’ve lost my joy in just living life.

If you’re nodding your head in total agreement right now, this blog is devoted to you.

So in order to avoid wasting the next few years of my life in a pile of self pity, I’m going to start a blog. To express my thoughts, share my inspiration, and find out what I’m passionate about (and what I want to do with my life!) It can be kind of like an accountability thing between you and me (whoever you are). We will go on this journey together, we’ll share our worries, joys, hopes, dreams and inspiration. We can laugh and cry, be crazy, happy and serious… and hopefully we can all have a life worth living.